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With the Pokey and the Man
by SundaySmash

For those of you who think our comic could do with less brutal violence and more cuteness, let it be known we have heard your cries from our lofty mountain top! Be sated by our offering… be sated, and next time be more careful what you wish for!

With the release of Soul Silver and Heart Gold today, it seemed the perfect time for the Pokemon comic I wrote months ago. The original Silver and Gold on the Game Boy Color were groundbreaking for a variety of reasons. The in game clock system which allowed for certain specific events to occur at set times and different Pokemon to appear in areas depending on the time of day originated in Silver/Gold. The feature the comic addresses today is adding gender to Pokemon.

In the Red/Blue versions, the day care was merely a way to level up Pokemon that you didn’t currently have room for in your party. Gold/Silver allowed you to put male and female Pokemon in the daycare together and breed them. This allowed you to get multiple harder to find Pokemon for trades, as well as to change the techniques that particular species was able to learn by having two parents that weren’t of the same species. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really get that into Pokemon breeding with Silver/Gold, but that’s only because I was grieving that Charmander wasn’t available. As soon as I got Pearl, I traded a female Charmander to myself from Fire Red and began a Pokemon mill. It’s like a puppy mill but with substantially more cruelty. I would crank out baby after baby, tear them from their mothers at an indecently young age, and offer them to friends, saying, “You want a Charmander, do you not? Here, take this one. His name is Poopypants! I call him this because his thus-far horrifying life causes him to regularly mess in his Pokeball.”

The best part of trading Pokemon is that you can apply a moniker to them which is something utterly disgusting and the person you foist this creature upon is unable to change the name. They shall forever be known as Poopypants, Fecesface, or Miley Cyrus.

I’m doing my best to be strong and not pick up Soul Silver/Heart Gold. I don’t feel a need to purchase a revamped version of a game I played 10 years ago simply so I can get Typhlosion in my party. It just isn’t worth $40 to me. This is a series that holds a certain amount of power over me though. I played Red version for a total of 134 hours and 48 minutes, in the process catching all but three of the original generation of Pokemon and leveling my entire main party to 100. I played Silver and Ruby to a much lesser extent, then picked up Pearl immediately after its release and sunk 117 hours into that before deciding I caught everything I cared about. What I’m telling you is, I don’t really want to pick up Soul Silver, but it may become vital for me to do so once the price tag goes down. This series is a weakness for me, a chink in my armor, and sooner or later, like an acid, it is going to eat away my remaining defenses.

-Kevin