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Crimson Tide
by SundaySmash

How I wish I was fabricating this story. The grisly truth is, this happens with unsettling regularity. If I had to say how frequent, I would say roughly once a month.

Under the most sanitary of conditions, I’m still unsettled by public bathrooms, so imagine my reaction the first time I lifted the seat at work five years ago and found crimson running down the underside. After that incident, I only lift toilet seats with the toe of my shoe, which is good because there are several times my unprotected hand would have been perilously close to the bodily fluids of some deviant who can’t be bothered to clean up after themselves.

Of course, this is only a problem because we have unisex bathrooms. The frustrating part is that the women are all incredibly indignant towards the men about this and have even gone so far as to hang up signs in the bathrooms with a self-righteous poem that reads:

If you sprinkle
When you tinkle
Be a sweetie
Wipe the seatie

I wrote a helpful little poem of my own to hang alongside theirs:

If you bleed
Then you need
To wipe the seat
YOU GROSS IGNORANT HEFER COME ON ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I’m sure this would be greeted with blind rage followed by simultaneous lynching and the crucifixion of my penis. Seriously though, at least urine is sterile. Can the same be said for menstrual blood?

This has been an ongoing issue despite a move to a different office building, so the culprit is clearly someone close to me. I’ve done the best I can to determine the identity of this villain, yet doubt remains. I just don’t understand how this is possible. Could someone perhaps draw up some charts for me about how this happens? If you could explain angles, velocity, etc., I would truly appreciate it. So far everyone around me seems baffled.

Also, if you manage an office that does not have blood under the seat and are looking without luck for a funny graphic artist with a heart of gold who really aspires to be a cartoonist/writer, please contact me. We have much to talk about.

-Kevin