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That Sound? It's the Shattering of Dreams.
by SundaySmash

An excerpt from the forthcoming Sunday Smash Parenting Book, by Marc Matters and Kevin Seibert:

Spare the rod and spoil the child is a well known proverb associated with raising an heir that has become less popular in modern parenting. Spankings may be a great deterrent to misbehaving while assisting children with their transition into healthy adults who respect the rules of society, but it is not the best method of preparing them for adulthood and can occasionally lead to undesirable predilections. Instead, may we suggest the art form of eroding a young human being’s spirit.

Attention parents: stop telling your child that they are special, unique, one of a kind, or so-very-talented, because when it comes down to it, none of that is going to matter as soon as they mature and enter the real world. Hard work and skill does not matter as much as being a mindless sycophant. Don’t believe me? Observe how many seasons Friends was on TV versus the vastly superior short-lived Arrested Development. This is all the evidence you need that talent is irrelevant in the real world.

Anyway, you’re raising up a child, and having just read these last paragraphs are afraid you may have given them false expectations for their future. Fear not! There is still action you can take.

Cease all that molly coddling! When they approach you, face aglow to present a finger painting that isn’t up to snuff, let them know. Even if your caustic words result in tears and the child losing all interest in art forever, at least they won’t pursue a career in visual art or art education. This is in their own best interest.

Furthermore, children these days have a sense of entitlement. They seem to think that the world is their oyster and that hard work isn’t even necessary to achieve anything. This is only true under one circumstance: if they were born into money. Unless you, their parent, are independently wealthy, it’s time to stop buying them toys and turn their play time into your leisure time. Simply put, how much time do you spend cleaning and cooking every week? How would you like to transform that dull, undesirable chore time into your you time? Turn that lazy former-gleam-in-your-eye into cheap (slave) labor. This is useful in preparing them for the real world because they observe you feet kicked up, watching your stories while they develop blisters and are powerless to stop the daily routine. And if they dare sass you? Well, that’s just a dark day for everyone involved, now isn’t it?

This has been only a small excerpt. The full book will be available later this year with helpful advice on toilet training, reforming out of control teenagers, and how to cope with hippies who tell you the way you parent after reading our book is wrong. Kindle versions will also be available.

-Kevin