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A Hard Day's Night
by Kevin

Possibly the only two people in the world to despise the fab four make up the creative team of this comic, and we decided it was our responsibility to tell you why you shouldn’t really like The Beatles. Let the flame war begin!

I spent years listening to Beatles songs seeking understanding of what it was other people were hearing that I wasn’t. Every time I tried to listen to them, I felt like I was listening to a group of young men with literally nothing to say other than that they wished my hand would be positioned firmly within their own. I sat in a room alone while my teeth ground in time to the music, syncing up to the rhythm of the drum and bass perfectly which created marginally more appealing music. These little sessions always ended when I daydreamed about listening to Johnny Cash, mewithoutYou, The Cure, (or virtually anything else instead) and then realized actually doing this was completely within the realm of possibility.

Similar to my distaste for Dave Matthews Band, part of my problem with The Beatles, aside from just their music, are the rabid legions of Beatle-maniacs who worship them. I recall reading an article about Beatles fans burning with impotent rage when Sean Lennon allowed Lady Gaga to play the white piano, claiming that she was unworthy to play the instrument. Really? Skanks playing a piano with permission of the owner is what we get mad about now?

I couldn’t speak of how much I didn’t like The Beatles for years. I pretended to not mind them for more time than I really care to admit. Finally, the charade became too heavy of a burden and I broke. “I think I hate The Beatles,” I said as I leaned against the counter between Marc’s living room and kitchen while he finished his turn in Dokapon Kingdom and I waited for my own to begin. His eyes left the screen briefly, he voiced his agreement, the words that broke the chains, and with a tremendous weight lifted from my shoulders, I proceeded to slay a kobold that resembled a little boy with a hamster face.

Some will argue that I cannot possibly hate The Beatles due to my appreciation for rock music. They were the pioneers of the rock and roll guitar/bass/drum set up, and I should be grateful for the influence they had on music as a whole, because without them none of the bands I do enjoy would exist. I don’t honestly believe this is true. It isn’t like there are so many different moving parts in this set up that nobody else could have possibly invented it. If a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter for an infinite period of time would eventually recreate the works of Shakespeare, I think it would be far simpler for a different group of four people to have figured out putting those specific instruments together. Would rock and roll have come to exist as soon as it did? No. Would it have been the same? Not exactly the same. We would, however, have some variation of rock music whether or not the Beatles ever formed and began playing songs about an underwater vessel with a severe case of jaundice.

Furthermore, it’s not like rock and roll as influenced by The Beatles is all good. Sure, we got The Smiths and Neutral Milk Hotel, but remember Nickelback, Hoobastank, and Smashmouth? All of these bands could be classified as rock music, and while the existence of The Smiths covers a multitude of sins, if you’re going to credit The Beatles with influencing the good stuff, you have to blame them for the existence of the absolutely abysmal stuff as well.

What am I saying? I should be grateful. Thank you, John and Paul for the last 11 years of hearing All Star playing constantly in somebody’s car as they drive past my house. I only hope I am someday presented with the opportunity to give you a proper thank you.

-Kevin