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The Truth About Bears
by Kevin

 

Nothing is safe from the Smash treatment, least of all beloved icons from your childhood. Today we take on A.A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh, that lovable silly old bear and give him that coveted Smash zest. Just remember, we only do this because we are looking out for you. Any nightmares you may experience are in the name of love.

I guess this came about since bears are kind of at the forefront of my mind at the moment. I live in a small city in Pennsylvania completely surrounded by vast wilderness. Wildlife in general and bears in particular are enamored of living in these settings, and as such, bear sightings around this time of year are not uncommon. After being plagued by bears many years of my youth and hearing tales of the ongoing war for supremacy from my parents, it seems slightly silly to have adorable stuffed toys in the likeness of gigantic nuisances as children’s playthings. The word nuisance is sort of a best case scenario, too.

Before I was born, my parents were on a backpacking excursion and while preparing breakfast, were approached by a hungry black bear within a couple yards of their campfire. My dad is an experienced outdoorsman, and knew feeding bears is not something you are supposed to do; the bear, however, was accustomed to being fed by less responsible campers and took exception. When refused food, the bear turned from a charming woodland creature into a 175 pound psychopath throwing a tantrum, which he expressed in the form of charging my father. My dad had a .22 handgun with him and fired it into the ground, which fortunately scared the bear away since a .22 would be about as effective as kissing the bear. The main thing to take away from today’s Smash is do not feed the bears.

-Kevin